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Editorial note: This article is satire and not intended to be taken as fact.

The Courier is saddened but proud to announce the retirement of our beloved mascot, ‘Ol Glitchy McIntire, the long-running and iron-willed iPhone SE of Courier adviser Nathan McIntire. As a young circuit board in an Apple factory, Glitchy always wanted to be a journalist. When it landed in the hands of the similarly bright-eyed McIntire, its dreams would eventually be realized.

While employed at the Pasadena Star News, it served as a useful tool in busting police scandals and saving kids from being bitten by rabid dogs, as the McIntires got their start in journalism.

As time went on, Glitchy continued to express itself through its journalistic pursuits, eventually becoming an honorary member of The Courier staff in the fall semester of 2013. While it was starting to show its age, the McIntires were inseparable. Despite criticism from waves upon waves of budding students in the newsroom, nothing would deter Glitchy from its main goal: sharing news with students over its favorite professional “social media” Slack.

“I will miss ‘Ol Glitchy. She was a mostly good phone,” McIntire said. “Even though I had to charge her battery three times a day near the end, she allowed me to browse the internet, write emails, and badger students on Slack. My new phone is much larger and heavier, and while the camera is better, I hate it.”

In its heyday, McIntire primarily used Glitchy for two sole functions: taking phone calls and taking photos of his two children. It is believed this is why the iPhone’s storage, about as impressive as a Cold War-era supercomputer’s ability to run the Atari game “Pong,” survived for so long.

No retirement party was held for Glitchy. Instead, McIntire unceremoniously threw it in an unseen direction upon receiving his new, button-less iPhone 13. Oddly, Glitchy did have a funeral, even though McIntire was not required to turn it in, likely due to Apple having no purpose for such a useless museum piece.

Glitchy is now spending its days as a HAM radio, further cementing it as a relic serving the role of another long-gone piece of technology. Although Glitchy often accompanied McIntire everywhere he went, the outdated iPhone now rests in his garage indefinitely, supposedly not far from a Motorola that existed during the Cambrian Explosion.

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