After numerous seasons of horrendous play, most of the Lancer sports teams have ended their seasons with losing records. This semester, football is 0-3. Water polo is worse, dropping its first four games. Volleyball has been unlucky with a 1-5 opening to the season (having to forfeit its first two games, which were wins.)
Now, the problem has become obvious: all blame goes to Larry “The Lance-less” Lancer.
“I knew something was wrong with our defense,” said Terry Stoddard, head coach of water polo. “It’s good to know what the problem is now.”
PCC’s mascot has shirked his duties lately. Instead of being at games cheering on the Lancers—which is his only job—he’s been noticeably absent, perhaps because he’s desperately searching for his lost lance. Larry has had to make do (at the games he does make it to) with a sword that looks as if it came out of a random McDonald’s happy meal box.
So is Larry’s lack of a lance the reason for losses piling up?
“If it will answer the questions we have,” said Fred Fimbres, head coach of the football team. “I will personally buy Larry a platinum lance and deliver it to him.”
Football recently lost 43-7 to El Camino College, getting rolled over early in the game. Who’s to blame?
Larry, of course.
Whose fault was it that the women’s volleyball team was ineligible and had to forfeit their first two games?
The guy slumped over in the corner, without a lance.
Larry has not made an appearance at any of the games yet this season (for any sport), but Fimbres couldn’t blame him for that.
“It’s dangerous to be Larry,” Fimbres said. “It’s very hot out here and he would probably faint.”
Others sports, however, are not having such a bad time without the fearless mascot. In fact, women’s basketball has been consistently played well in its past few seasons.
“We aren’t missing Larry at all,” assistant coach LaNette Dillard said. “He has done a fine job by us by not showing up and staying away.”
Maybe Larry needs more than just a lance, though. With so many losses piling up, our mascot could use a new look if and when he finally returns.
“He needs a white horse,” said Tracy Bodis, assistant cheer coach. “I mean, we are kind of like a baby USC. If they have a horse, why can’t Larry?”
If you would like to throw some support behind our mascot in searching for his lost lance, visit www.facebook.com/helplarrythelancer.
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