It’s that time of year. The time where we all take stock of the past year, decide that we’re going to do better, make new year’s resolutions and then give up on them three weeks later because we’re tired, broke and did I mention tired?

However, if you’re truly interested in making a change for the better, here’s a list of actions that will ensure that you have a happy, prosperous and wisdom-filled 2018.

Cancel Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham and her special, homemade “I’m not racist, our gardener is colored,” brand of feminism dominated the headlines again this year. Of course no one is surprised, as her white, privileged, tone deaf antics take up media space every so often just long enough to remind all of us how terrible she and her garbage views really are.

Dunham faced her usual backlash when she and Girls co-writer Jenni Korner came to the defense of “Girls” writer Murray Miller, who was accused of rape by actress Aurora Perrineau. Dunham, who previously stated that women don’t lie about rape, implied that Perrineau was lying.

“We believe, having worked closely with him for more than half a decade, that this is the case with Murray Miller. While our first instinct is to listen to every woman’s story, our insider knowledge of Murray’s situation makes us confident that sadly this accusation is one of the 3% of assault cases that are misreported every year,” Dunham said in a statement.

Dunham has time and again proven herself to only care about feminist issues, when those issues center white women. She couldn’t wait to run to the defense of a white man as soon as the accuser was a black woman. Dunham has consistently revealed her hipster racism more than enough times to know it’s time to take out the garbage. Garbage meaning her.

That’s why I’m firmly on board with Zinzi Clemmons call for black women and women of color to “divest from Lena Dunham.” In 2018, join the call and show Dunham the door for good.

Stop using the term “alt-right”

This year we saw white rage show all the way out. The election of Habanero Hitler had all the closet racists so gassed up, they took to the streets in knock-off Brooks Brothers apparel with tiki torches and chanted, “blood and soil.” Every brand of white hate group came together on the streets of Charlottesville and ended the day by beating a bunch of black people and running down anti-racist protester Heather Heyer, killing her.

After all the smoke cleared from the burned crosses, the media did what they do best and downplayed the danger and severity of these domestic terrorists by referring to them as “alt-right.”

Alt-right is nothing more than a watered down term for groups like the KKK, white nationalists, skinheads and Neo-Nazi’s. Do everyone a favor and stop pulling punches. Leave alt-right in 2017 where it belongs and call these groups what they are. If you have trouble differentiating between all of those names just save yourself some time and call them domestic terrorists. History backs you up on that one.

Leave animals alone

Common sense would dictate that I shouldn’t have to say this but unfortunately, as they say, common sense isn’t all that common. If you want to prosper in 2018, stop owning wild animals. There’s absolutely no reason to own exotic, wild animals as pets. Tigers are not meant to be domesticated and sit on your couch with you while you watch “Beyond Scared Straight.”

You’re not meant to swim with alligators or raise a black bear as a pet. These are wild animals with violent instincts who belong in their natural environment.

Obviously, Antoine Yates didn’t get that memo when he decided to keep his 400-pound pet tiger in his Harlem apartment. The animal attacked him, as Tigers do, and medical personnel reported his injuries to the authorities. Not only was he attacked, he was charged with reckless endangerment because his mother was babysitting in the apartment. A real genius, if you ask me.

Tommy Woodward of Texas met his end by actions worthy of the “Darwin Awards” top prize. While at Burkharts Marina in Orange, Texas an employee warned him to stay out of the water due to an 11-foot alligator. Woodward, full of machismo and imbecility, proudly declared, “Fuck that alligator!” and plunged into the water.

The alligator, having been told to go fuck himself, obviously took offense and snatched Woodward up like the beauty queen hater who snatched Miss Brazil’s wig off her head on international television.

Animals are generally good about minding their own business. They act out when threatened or encroached upon, otherwise they pretty much live right on the corner of 123 Minding My Damn Business Blvd.

In 2018, make it your mission to leave wild, exotic animals in their natural habitat. Adopt a regular house cat or puppy and find yourself a hobby that won’t get your face mauled off.

Stop white women voters

Yes I said it. Before you get in your feelings and send me emails full of white tears and “not ALL of us are like that!” do yourself a favor. Stop. Take a breath. Remember this phrase, “If it don’t apply, let it fly.”

As I was saying, in 2018 we need to stop white women voters from doing more damage. In November 2016 white women helped propel Cheeto Satan to victory by voting for him at a rate of 53 percent. Every other demographic except white men voted overwhelmingly for Hillary Clinton. Had it not been for white women, we wouldn’t be sitting on the brink of nuclear war, fighting to keep our health insurance, voting rights and watching white house officials fight to keep President Twitter Fingers from blowing up the Earth.

Just when you thought that was bad enough, white women came out again in full force to try and elect racist, misogynist, most-likely pedophile Roy Moore to the U.S. Senate in Alabama. Just when it seemed all was lost, black women pulled a hail mary and voted for Democrat Doug Jones by 97 percent and cancelled out Miss Ann’s revenge at the last minute.

In 2018 we need to stop white women voters. Two thirds of white women voted for a child molester. That’s how important it was to uphold their white supremacist power structure and privilege. White women have been shielded from accountability all their lives. They’ve willingly participated in racism and the oppression of others, but have been able to evade any blame. The same white women who claim feminism and sisterhood inevitably choose being white over being a woman EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Face it ladies, the pink pussy hats and women’s marches mean nothing if you’re gonna make a last minute grasp to uphold white supremacy when it really counts. I invite you all to have several seats and think about what you’ve done.

Stop demanding black women’s labor

This follows up my last point perfectly. The reason Doug Jones won the Alabama Senate race was due to none other than the most loyal democratic voting bloc in modern history: Black women.

Earlier this month, black women rallied and flocked to the polls in deep red Alabama and elected Democrat Doug Jones to the U.S. Senate. Many have celebrated this minuscule victory as a victory for all democrats and liberals, due to the graciousness of black women. That take couldn’t be more wrong. This was, yet again, nothing more than black women inadvertently saving America from itself, by saving ourselves from America, as we always have.

Not only did black women and men come out in record numbers for an off-cycle, special election, they did so in the face of some of the worst voter suppression since Shelby v. Holder struck down a key part of the 1965 Voting Rights Act.

You know what though? We’re tired. We’re tired of being the ones who have to step up and save everybody else. We’re tired of being exploited for our labor, but never being paid for it. We’re tired of being expected to quietly take abuse just to make everyone else comfortable. We are not your mammies. We are not your sisters. We are not here to make the entitled oppressor masses feel better about their complicity in our oppression.

The bottom line is we need everyone to pay us, do your own emotional labor, show up and show out for your own causes and take responsibility for your part in the marginalization of others. Stop perpetuating white violence on us and then crying your innocent white tears when you get called out, thereby making yourself the victim and us the mean, “angry black woman.”

This gaslighting tactic has been used against black women for centuries and we are no longer going to tolerate it. Because when the day comes that black women decide “fuck it, I’m out,” and don’t show up at all, a lot of people are going to be in a world of hurt. So stop taking advantage of us and run us our money in 2018.

Cancel entitled men

Ladies, this is specifically for you. Men are not entitled to your affection, your time and your body. You don’t owe them anything. You are powerful, you are intelligent and you are a force to be reckoned with in 2018. Men can kick rocks.

Male entitlement is not only annoying, it’s a by-product of toxic masculinity and rape culture that continues to oppress and harm women every day. Toxic masculinity is what tells men that they are entitled to our attention. It’s what tells them that we owe them an explanation when we say “No,” and that if they don’t like that explanation then they can ignore our agency.

Toxic masculinity is the reason why the majority of mass shootings in the U.S. are committed by men and are preceded by an act of domestic or intimate partner violence. Ladies, 2018 is the year that we must take our power and our agency back.

Join a women’s organization that teaches empowerment and how to better yourself. Start a weekly women’s group with your friends to talk about issues that concern you. Start an organization if you’re feeling extra motivated. Whatever you do, begin to reclaim your power and remove entitled men from your circles and your life.

Take time for self-care

Whether you’re politically and socially active, trying to finish school or start a new business, the most important tip for 2018 is to make sure you leave time for self-care. These bodies are the only ones we have. If your body gives out on you, nothing else matters.

Activism is in itself a hazardous job and it’s scientifically proven to take a serious toll on people physically, emotionally and psychologically. Trying to make our world a better place and stand up for others is one of the most noble causes you can undertake. But you must do it safely and maintain yourself.

The same goes for working towards a college degree, starting a business and many other lofty goals one may have for the new year ahead. Decompress, seek therapy, spend time with loved ones and alone if need be. Taking care of your body is paramount to your success. Join a gym or yoga studio, eat healthy, drink lots of water and get plenty of rest.

Whatever 2018 has in store for you, know that your successes or failures are yours alone. You’re only in competition with yourself and whatever success means to you is what you should strive for. Maintain your integrity, behave ethically and above all, be kind to yourself. Now raise your glasses and turn the fuck up!


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