Disclaimer: The following is the Lifestyle Editor’s sarcastic review of our campus’s wifi. No web browser’s cookies were crumbled during the making of this review.

If I had to compare our school’s wifi system to something, it would most definitely be my dead pet turtle from 2007. Not only was he slow, he was never there for me when I needed him.

It’s ironic that as I am typing this article on campus, using our campus’s wifi I can not even get our school’s homepage to load.

After refreshing six times, and listening to an entire Bebe Rexha song, I was finally able to read the following about the wireless internet PCC provides:

“The PCC campus offers free wireless Internet to all students, faculty and staff. Wireless access is generally available around the entire campus, in most indoors and in select outdoor spaces.”

The keywords in this passage being “generally,” “most,” and “select.”

I suppose it is important to note that according to our school’s website, “The district has over 100 physical and virtual servers to host the district’s systems including Banner suite of enterprise systems, DegreeWorks, email, website, student labs, authentication, shared files and backups. These systems support vital functions of the college including registration. Therefore, the health and performance of these servers is critical to the operation of the college.”

To that I say, “prove it.” Over 100 physical and virtual servers yet I can’t make it all the way through my favorite Britney song without it pausing twelve times.

Cruella De Vil has more dalmations than we have servers. Why bring up that dusty Disney hag you ask? The wifi coverage is just as spotty as the dalmations she’s attempting to collect.

I get it. There are thousands of us on campus daily connecting to the wifi as we stream the latest viral video, newest music video, or watch the “Last Jedi” trailer for the tenth time, but there are only so many times I can handle reading “buffering” on my screen before I rage quit.

Our wifi takes longer to load than the amount of time it took our baseball team to win a conference title, 50 years.

Our school’s trash problem will be solved before I can open an email.

Looking for a job on campus? Good luck filling out an application online, if you’re connected to our 1999 dial up internet.

If you haven’t heard by now, the Courier has launched a podcast (CourierCast) but you have better odds of winning the lottery than being able to stream it without interruptions.

The only thing that suffers more interruptions is Lois in “Family Guy,” when Stewie wants her attention.

You think I’m exaggerating? My learning experience has been gravely affected by the lags in our internet. Precious moments of time which could have been spent on learning the pythagorean theorem or reciting the declaration of independence were eaten up by loading screens.

I cannot count the occasions when a teacher has had to stop their lesson plan to accommodate for internet speed not being sufficient.

Our wifi is fucking slow, it made a Justin Bieber song relatable.

Still not enough for you? My best friend has had to wait up to several minutes to get her Tinder messages to load, and as many of you know time is of the essence when it comes to dating apps.

The Starbucks across the street has faster wifi than our school, and they don’t even have toilet paper half the time.

What our school needs to do is double the amount of servers we have, to better handle the amount of traffic the current servers are swamped with.

PCC also needs to improve the wifi coverage areas so we can make it from one class to the next without our music stopping.

It would be great if areas where one would expect full coverage such as the library and the piazza were indeed fully covered, so students could accomplish work.

We could do without the wifi lounge. No one would miss those wizards sucking up our wifi.

You might be thinking I come off like a whiny bitch, complaining about something as trivial as our wireless internet. You can send me an email calling me out, I won’t be able to get it to open anyways.

If by some miracle the wifi loaded this article and you made it to the end, don’t get used to it.

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